rebirth

what happened to me? after more than a year of seeming inactivity, here i am handling two projects at the same time!amazing! do you think making my own blog here jumpstarted my sleeping consciusness and awakened the long dormant soul that has been sleeping inside my body? i don't know. all i know is i am neck-deep in activities and plans, all of which are running full-force at breakneck speed. never have i faced this kind of situation. true, it's scary to start a business, to not use your own money end yet place everything at a risk. it's a miracle people even trust me enough to lend me their money. i know i haven't showed them anything so that they will believe in me but still, they do.

right now, i am trying to fight off the feeling that i can't do it. that i will just make all of these plans crash and i will be thrown in the trash can. no. really. i must stop thinking negatively. i have to get hold of myself. i have to work hard. now i really have something to sink my teeth in.

for more than a year now i have had nothing worthwhile to do. sure i do the routine jobs, things that need to get done and over with in running a home. but facing challenging projects? uh-oh...nope..never heard..

so this is sort of a rebirth. a rebirth that, i hope, shall turn out okay.

retrospect

i have so many dreams for myself and my family...but i haven't done anything to reach my dreams. are some people born to be creators and shapers? how do they do it? you...reach their dreams? is this some inate thing that you learn as babies?
time is running out on me. before i know it, i shall reach middle-age.
will i have accomplished anything? something? will i be proud of what i have done with my life when i look back on it in my old age?
or...will i ever reach old age?

rainy days

rain has been steadily pouring down our roof since last night. gloomy weather. you remember that song by Karen Carpenter? rainy days and mondays... love that song. the melody is good and the lyrics mirror my feelings. rainy days makes me think of days gone by, of missed opportunities and of what could have been things... could life have been different? i don't really believe in destiny. i know that i am the one who carves out what my life has been, and will be eventually. i guess i just don't know how to carve that well.
i hope tomorrow the sun shines.

it's been a year since daddie died and yet..i still have that feeling that i am going to see him again. i still see him so clearly in my mind. i guess i haven't let go.
oh, i know that he never is going to come back. but knowing something doesn't mean that you can turn away from wishing something else.
everyone feels the loss. my 6-year-old daughter hasn't forgotten him, sometimes just blurting out of the blue, "i miss dodo" (her pet name for her lolo) in the middle of her play, perhaps remembering the time when my daddie would play with her. my sister has become more reclusive since his death, her pain greater, i guess, since among us all she was the one most like him. and my mother? well, you know how mothers are. like a lighthouse in the middle of the stormy sea, scarred and all but still strong and giving light to those in need.
but in time, i know, we shall all heal. we simply must move on because, no matter what we do, life does go on..
hopefully i will reach that point of acceptance of reality soon. or sooner. it's just that life isn't the same anymore without him. and i really miss him. we all do.

a new door

for a long time now i have been wanting to try my hand at blogging. but you know how regular use of procrastination muddles up thoughts and mixes up plans somewhat. so i never got around to creating my own blog and just sighed about wanting to open one, etc..etc...
one can really just stay and not make any motion, not want to change anything, content with digging one's own hole, so to speak. i mean, not really content..maybe just shying away from the probability of facing conflicts if i change my routine.
well, today, i don't really know what came over me..a whiff of the smell of coming rain?...i just found myself filing up the form. and then here it is..
so maybe it is time. time for me to try opening a new door, peeping at what could be in store for me.
well, we shall see.